A blog . . . in spite of how pathetic blogging actually is.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

25 Things You Don't Know About Me

Facebook started this trend (or, maybe, someone on Facebook started this trend) . . . so I decided to jump in. Here are my 25 things you don't know about me:

1--The line, "Beirut rules, Mr. Baer?" from the movie Syriana was inspired by an intense conversation I had with Stephen Gaghan at a Dennys in Louisville in 1992. He wrote it into the movie as a tribute to that discussion (and, by extension, what I contributed to his awakening)

2--Loki's time with me in Cristal Atoll back in the 80's was magical, yes. But profound? Sadly, no. Never leave real thinking to someone who's spent his or her time in college abroad for more than a year. It's corrupting to the personal constitution.

3--I was a champion equestrian barrier designer at age 13 but was pulled away from it by overly helicopterish parents who felt it wasn't appropriately stiumulating to all 7 of my intelligences (wherein I retain 'gifted' status across the board).

4--I still draw royalties off the intellectual property rights to an algorithm I developed which determines a 0.01% margin of error ratio of "people persons" to "loners" that exist in the world. Look out loners! The trends are NOT working in your favor.

5--My wife doesn't know this so don't tell her. I'm actually married to three other women and one man at present. They all live in the continental United States which means I ran out of time zones when Delsia and I got hitched last August (20% of my heart belongs to you, Little D!)

6--Regarding #5, the Homeland Security Act of 2002 includes provisions that have actually made it EASIER to manage the various drivers licenses and passports needed to be a credible (aka, uncaught) polygamist. All of this stands, once again, as an ironic twist on the evident: We've spent literally a trillion dollars in the past 7 years to make this country safer . . . and have achieved the opposite. Lucky for everyone (especially the residents of Gitmo, upon whom a school-cafeteria-sized can of whoop ass would have been opened had I arrived) I'm a Patriot and not a terrorist, right?

7--Regarding #6, contrary to what you may have heard or read in "The New Yorker," I was never in Kandahar, Afghanistan in the mid 90's. Kandahar, Wyoming? Uhhhhh, let's move on to #8, shall we?

8--I possess evidence that the voices on Patrick Fitzgerald's most recently famous batch of tapes ARE NOT those of unfairly discarded former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich. It'll all be in the book. This one was a request of my agent. Here endeth the teaser. Stay tuned (Like you wouldn't?)

9--I am a blood relative (Great, great, great Aunt) of the head choreographer of the Moulin Rouge from 1909 until the start of the Great War when she started seeing a little known French Officer known as Charles DeGaulle (I'm not lying).

10--I studied ballet with Rahm Emmanuel before we both took different paths. We still talk every week. Last week, he called twice. The dance . . . or, these days, simply taking a little time for refuge in the sanctuary known otherwise as 'Pleasant reminiscing about the dance' is one of the few things that makes life worth the hassle for the two of us. I shall always be J-Dawg to your Rahm-man Noodle, Mr. Chief of Staff.

11--Maureen Dowd and I still "visit" when the itch is there, but I've lately been avoiding it since Krugman's Nobel Prize inclined her to invite him to said visits. I believe the word is spelled C-R-E-E-P-Y [NOTE: Could we also keep this one on the D-L from my five spouses?]

12--I went LLC last year with a business plan that seeks to fill the snob gap in the GOP. We're kicking ass and taking names on the 'French wine and expensive cheeses' front. These people had no idea. Really, it's like watching a bunch of 19 years olds listen to the Grateful Dead for the first time, all nodding, saying things like, "Yeah, it really HAS been a long, strange trip!" Next month we unveil Palin Moose Liver Pate'

13--I trim my chest hair

14--I trim my ear hair

15--The line, "If you love something, set it free," was first used by my freshman year dorm roommate's great grandfather when he hung out with F. Scott Fitzgerald during his brief, but rarely chronicled, time in Quebec

16--All guest speakers in my classes from 1989 until it became illegal for me to do so (October 14, 1997) had to sign over to me the right to personally profit from the stories they told when in my classroom. Watch "Stand and Deliver" starting at approximately the 53 minute mark. Stay with it until just past the 57 minute mark. That was all based on me.

17--Two pieces of furniture in my home are gifts from the late Jim Williams, he of 'Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil' fame. I was part of an amalgam of characters used to inspire the now famous line, "hurricane of sex."

18--I won 5 state championships in track and cross country while in high school. But if you really know me, then you know it should have been 7 (800 meter run in the 10th grade and cross country in the 11th grade).

19--I am a registered "Pilot Savant" with the FAA. Simply put, this means I'm capable of flying any aircraft, commercial or otherwise, irrespective of personal deficiencies in cockpit hours (Side Note to Adam: NO, I once again WILL NOT use my summer vacation to catch up! I did not become a certified teacher to work in the month of July). Like someone who can play music by ear, once you sit me down in the cockpit and put me in front of the controls, it all just sort of "makes sense.". I've never technically had a flying lesson.

20--Regarding #19, the ERS (Evasive Response Strategy) employed by the pilot who safely put flight 1549 down on the Hudson River is a direct result of a memo I sent to the FAA in 2003. It's at their website. Look it up.

21--Lately, as the early 40's give way to the mid-40's, I've also had to start trimming out of control eyebrows . . . . which, except for that one misunderstanding with Paul Krugman (see #11), have been mine.

22--I was a busboy at the IOC planning session (in Zurich in 1996) where the name "Half Pipe" was made official for the ski event we've now all come to love and cherish, perhaps more than the Super Bowl and World Series combined. So I'm here to tell you that the rumors are true. The name of the event WAS NOT inspired by the shape of the ski run. I've never removed more empty bags of Cool Ranch Doritos from tables in my life.

23--The infamous Puck character from one of the early seasons of MTV's 'The Real World' only got his spot after it was determined that I would be unable to secure a leave of absence at my job

24--I haven't had a drink in over 16 years. I think people who drink alcohol are all going to hell.

25--I was the first person in North America to notice that 'Evian' spelled backwards is 'Naive'.

1 comment:

debra said...

I am whelmed.